


A Long And Glorious Reign

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cupboard Sex, F/M, Pheromones, no actual plot, not really porn either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:32:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1962150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River is queen of an entire planet and the Doctor tries to rescue her. Obviously this leads to sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Long And Glorious Reign

“The Seventy-Third Rightful Queen of the Perpetual Cycle will see you now.”

The Doctor walked through the open door into a room that would be called 'opulent' by someone with a gift for understatement. There were curtains, drapes, tapestries, mirrors, rugs and sculptures. Oddly, however, the only furniture as such was a large four-poster bed strewn with petals. The Doctor shrugged and sat down on the end of it, trying to look like he owned the place.

Another door opened and in walked a woman covered in jewels and not much else.

“River,” he said wearily, “what are you doing?”

She stood in front of him and pushed him backwards until he was lying beneath her. “What do you think I'm doing?”

“I think you're trying to seduce me.”

“Is it working?” she asked.

“No,” he lied. He pushed himself up and held her at arm's length. “What _are_ you wearing?”

“The crown jewels.”

“Don't you have robes of state to go with them?” he asked, not actually looking away.

River shrugged, gold jangling as she did so. “I didn't want to look like I'd made too much of an effort.” She sat down next to him on the bed. “We need to talk.”

“River, if you've set yourself up as a divine monarch, I'm going to be very cross.” He knew what she was likely to say next, so he added, “And no, not the fun sort of cross.”

River placed a bejewelled hand on his knee. “There were extenuating circumstances. The previous queen died in suspicious circumstances.”

“How suspicious?” he asked, suddenly alert. 

“I killed her.” She carried on before the Doctor could protest. “She was going to start a war, there wasn't another option.”

“There's almost always another option,” he said.

“Not this time, and don't lecture me. Anyway,” she continued, “that left a power vacuum and I couldn't just _leave_ -”

“We always just leave!”

“And how often does that work out?”

“Always,” he said. “Mostly always. I expect.” He stood up and took her hand. “Come on, you can abdicate.”

River shook him off. “I can't. The only way to resign is to die.”

“How very convenient,” said the Doctor, unconvinced.

“I'm serious. The previous monarch's corpse has to be present at the coronation.” She wrinkled her nose. “Mine took a week to arrange. In the middle of summer. It wasn't pleasant.”

“So you want me to rescue you, is that it?”

She nodded. “If you don't mind.”

“Then what was all that seduction stuff about?”

River shrugged. “Nothing wrong with a bit of role-play, my love.”

 

The Doctor opened the window and looked down. It was quite a long way to fall.

“Yes, Sweetie,” said River from the bed, “I wonder why I didn't think of that. Gosh, it's a good thing you're here to have all these wonderful ideas.”

He closed the window and turned back to the room. “It was just a thought.” He walked to the door that River had entered through. “What's out there?”

“My audience chamber.”

“You have a bedroom off your audience chamber?”

“Well, I might need to have a nap, or entertain a visiting ambassador.”

“A visiting...” He shook his head. “You were naked when you came in, so I assume there's no one there at the moment.”

“Whyever would you assume that?” asked River.

He stared at her. “Of course. Sorry, I forgot that you were... you.”

River smiled. 

“You'll need to go back out there and put some clothes on.”

“I don't mind escaping like this.”

“No, get dressed. For a start I'd find it a lot easier to concentrate on getting us out of here.”

River stood and walked over to him. She straightened his bow tie. “Oh, you naughty boy.”

“River!” he protested, stepping away from her.

“Oh, _now_ you're the fun sort of cross.”

“You asked me to rescue you,” he said firmly. 

“I didn't say I was in a hurry,” said River. She tugged his braces playfully and gave him her most seductive gaze.

“Maybe if we... no!” He turned her towards the door. “Go and get some clothes on.”

River pouted, opened the door, and disappeared into the other room. 

The Doctor looked around for any other possible exits. He stopped in front of a large ornate mirror to fix his clothes and check his hair. “I suppose I _am_ a bit irresistible,” he told his reflection. 

His plan so far consisted of two steps – 'find TARDIS, run away.' It maybe wasn't the _best_ plan, so he embellished it a bit with 'have sex with River, repeatedly.' There, now it was a rubbish plan with something to look forward to after it was a success.

He shook his head to clear it. He wasn't used to decision-making while aroused, even after spending a lot of time around River Song. And over River Song. And under her. And.. he slapped himself across the face, hard. 

River re-entered the room in fewer jewels and more clothes. It was only slightly disappointing.

“River,” he said, because honesty was supposed to be important in a marriage, “I'm finding this escape-planning business a bit...”

“Hard?” she suggested.

“Difficult.”

“That's the royal perfume, I should have mentioned that.”

“Perfume?”

River shrugged. “I do have a royal bloodline to continue, you know.”

The Doctor looked at his wife, then stepped into her personal space and sniffed her. “Are you wearing artificial pheromones?”

“Nothing you can't handle,” she said breezily. 

He rubbed a hand across his eyes. “This day just keeps getting better.”

“I can wash it off in the TARDIS,” said River. 

The Doctor tried not to think about River naked in the shower. “Fine, but could you at least try to be less sexy in the meantime?”

River seemed to find this amusing. “That's quite a tall order.”

“River, do you want to be a corpse at someone else's coronation or do you want to escape?”

She raised her hands in a gesture of surrender. “Alright, I'll try not to be sexy.”

“Thank you.”

 

They left the room acting as though they knew where they were going, which almost always worked and luckily enough worked this time as well. As they made their way through the palace they became aware that the guards and servants were starting to stare.

“Honestly,” said River, “you'd think they'd never seen the Rightful Queen of the Perpetual Cycle before.”

“They probably haven't seen her obviously lost in her own palace,” said the Doctor as they turned away from another dead end. “This thing's like a labyrinth. You should have had maps put in at helpful intervals.”

“I was busy.”

“Entertaining ambassadors?” he asked, trying not to inhale as she brushed past him to look round a corner. 

“You're never going to let that go, are you?” she complained. “As a matter of fact I was trying to run the planet.”

“Why?” he asked, trying to look casual as they passed the same set of guards for the third time.

“Someone had to,” she said. “They don't have a very efficient system of government. Just because I was... around when the previous queen died, doesn't mean I know anything about farming subsidies or employment rates.” She shook her head. “Anyway, I wasn't very good at it. I really could have done with a few scheming advisers here and there. Something to consider for next time.”

“What next time?” demanded the Doctor. “How often do you do things like this?”

“Shush, I think people are getting suspicious.” She started to walk a bit quicker but the Doctor slowed her with a hand on her wrist. 

“Don't panic,” he told her. “We're just out for a walk in these lovely corridors that all look more or less the same.”

“I think someone's following us.”

“Perhaps we could walk a _bit_ quicker,” he said, speeding up a little. He glanced back to see a large man approaching them with an ostentatiously-large sword in his hand. “Or we could run.”

They ran.

 

“In here!” called River, opening a door that the Doctor could have sworn wasn't there a moment ago. He followed her into a small space filled with cleaning equipment.

“River,” he said, “we're in a cupboard.”

“Shush, they might not look in here.” 

He tried to listen for their pursuers, but was somewhat distracted by River's proximity and her completely stupid perfume.

“I think they're gone,” said River, who was having less of a problem with her own sensual allure. She pushed the door. It didn't open. She swore. “It's locked.”

“Inside jacket pocket,” said the Doctor, somewhat muffled by River's hair.

“What?”

“I can't reach the sonic screwdriver.”

“Oh.” River reached into his jacket and handed him the device. She wriggled and twisted rather more than seemed strictly necessary to achieve this. 

“Keep still,” he told her, trying to find the correct setting.

“Having trouble concentrating?” she asked, all innocence. She turned until she was fully pressed against him. “I have an idea.”

“What sort of idea?” he asked doubtfully. 

“I'll give you three guesses,” she said, smiling. 

“River,” he said, appalled, “I am not... shagging you in a cupboard while hiding from people who probably want to kill us!”

“Why not?” She rubbed against him. 

“Are you _sure_ that perfume doesn't affect you?” he asked.

“I never said it didn't,” she pointed out. She kept _moving_ and it was far too distracting. 

The Doctor thought for a moment. “If you tell _anyone_ about this, under any circumstances...”

“Cross my hearts,” said River. “I won't even mention it in my diary.” 

The Doctor sighed heavily, partly because this was embarrassing and partly because River had stuck her hand down the front of his trousers. “You,” he said, “are a terrible influence.”

 

They emerged from the cupboard a few minutes later. 

“Sorry,” said the Doctor. 

River adjusted her dress. “In the circumstances, I don't mind too much.”

“I'll owe you one,” he offered.

River placed a reassuring hand on his arm. “No, this makes us even. Remember when you dropped your fork in that restaurant on Callisto? It took you an awfully long time to find it again.”

“Ah,” he said, remembering. “Still, I'll owe you one.” On the plus side he could think a lot more clearly now, and he was starting to realise that there was a pattern to the architect's apparent madness. “This way, I think.”

“Where did you park?” asked River as they entered a new bit of palace. 

“Annoyingly far away,” he said. “Back of the palace gardens. They're not too heavily-guarded, though, I got quite far before I was arrested for trespassing.”

He followed River down a flight of stairs into the kitchens. He fished out the psychic paper and let it do its thing. “Gruel inspection,” he said to the nearest cook. “And is there an outside door around here? My assistant ate a bit too much and I think it's about to see the light of day again.”

River did her best to look nauseous. It was still pretty sexy.

“I'm not your assistant,” she said when they emerged into sunlight.

“It was only a lie!”

“Even so, I should have been at least your partner.”

“Noted for next time,” he said with a sigh.

 

They got back to the TARDIS with relative ease after that, though the bulb on top would need replacing and he'd have to pull a few arrows out the next time they landed. He patted the console soothingly. “Sorry, dear, won't happen again.”

“I'd better go and clean this stuff off,” said River. “You're right, it's very distracting.”

“Yes, you probably should.” After a moment's thought he followed her as she headed to the bathroom.

“I won't miss being queen,” she said as she looked in the airing-cupboard for a towel. She looked at the Doctor. “Still,” she said, smiling suddenly, “there's nothing wrong with a bit of role-play.”

“'Pirates and Wenches'?” he asked a bit too eagerly. 

“No,” said River, “you're a terrible wench and the eye-patch gives me a headache.” She took out a large yellow towel and handed it to him. “I think we'll go with 'Benevolent Monarch And Her Adoring Servant-Boy Who By The Way Owes Her An Orgasm.'”

“I thought you said we were even?” he asked, not at all bothered by her suggestion.

“Rule 1: River lies.”

“What are the other rules?” He turned on the taps in the bath and added just a bit too much of that bubbling stuff that he'd picked up last week.

“I rule by whim,” she said, starting to unbutton his shirt. “You'll have to try to anticipate my needs and desires. Otherwise I'll get cross.”

“The fun sort of cross?” he asked, ever-hopeful.

River laughed, and kissed him.


End file.
